Christian Marriage IV: The Respectful Wife

Notes from Sunday sermon by Pastor Mark Driscoll


IV. The Respectful Wife
http://marshill.com/media/real-marriage/the-respectful-wife


Prelude: Marriage begins first with walking with Jesus. This is important, because it grounds our values in the absolute Truth, in God, and helps us see with clarity amidst crazy emotions.


Bottom line: A respectful wife is not overly silent and compliant. A respectful wife is not overly loud and contentious. A respectful wife is someone who helps, supports--including lovingly rebukes--her husband in his leadership and in their joint walk with Jesus. 




Head of respect: How do you, wives, see your husbands?


Ephesians 5:33
... the wife must respects her husband.


Ladies, do you respect other men, or are there other men that you admire, you esteem, you value, you wish your husband was more like them? That's called coveting. The Ten Commandments told us not to covet anybody else's spouse (Exodus 20:17). Instead, women are taught to respect their husbands.


Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.


We are to encouraged to think along these lines. Ladies, respect starts with the head, with the thoughts in the head. If the husband is leading well, such thinking would further encourage him in his leadership. If the husband is not leading well, negative thoughts or comparing him against other people are simply not helpful. Marriage is combination of love and friendship. If the husband is not leading well, the wife should find ways to help and encourage him, not beat him when he's already down.




Heart of respect: How do you feel about your husband? And how does it manifest itself in your word?


Matthew 12:34
Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.


If there is disrespect in our head, there will be disrespect in our heart. And if out of the heart, the mouth speaks, our words will ultimately reflect our true thoughts.




Hands of respect: What do you do for your husband? How do you serve?


Proverbs 31:13
She works with eager hands.


The woman of Proverbs 31 is an amazing Biblical woman. She has hands of respect.


Hands of respect are hands that pray, hands that touch, hands that feed, hands that hunt and fish (a wife that learns to enjoy what her husband enjoys and participate in what her husband’s participating in), and hands that open the Bible.


Colossians 3
1 Peter 3
Ephesians 5
1 Corinthians 7
Wives, submit to your husbands.


This does NOT mean husbands make all the decisions. This does NOT mean wives should shut up and do what they’re told.


Submitting is not enabling.


Submitting looks like, “My husband is following the Lord, and I am following his leadership by helping him honor the Lord.”


Enabling, on the other hand, looks like, “My husband is not following the Lord, and his leadership is faltering. Yet, instead of lovingly rebuke him to help him back to the Lord, I will silently help him to continue to do things that are dishonoring to the Lord.” Why would a wife do that?


Wives who are too silent and too compliant are disrespectful to the Lord. On the opposite end of that spectrum, wives who are loud and contentious are also disrespectful to the Lord. It’s also disrespectful to the husband.


It is disrespectful because God made the woman a HELPER for man (Genesis 2:18).


Enabling is not helping.


Proverbs 12:4
A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.


Proverbs 9:13
The woman Folly is loud; she is undisciplined and withouth knowledge.


Proverbs 21:9
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.


Proverbs 27:15
A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day.


This is why women are powerful.


1) If a woman disrespects her husband, she puts him in a lose/lose scenario, especially if she does it in front of other people.


2) If a woman disrespects her husband, she will inevitably drive him away.


3) If a woman disrespects him and wins, so that she can rule over him, she will end up despising him and worse, no longer be attracted to him.


A woman can have a big, outgoing, vivacious personality and still be respectful. A woman can be a strong gal. She can have strong opinions. She can be an extrovert and still be respectful. Because here's the thing: God didn't make a woman for man only to have her treat him as her God. God made man and woman as EQUAL partners with DIFFERENT roles. Man leads, woman helps. Those are God's rules. Man cannot efficiently lead without woman's help. And woman cannot efficiently help without man's Godly leadership. They each need to do their part for the partnership to flourish.




Communication between Couples




1) Work together for a consensus
Husband and wife lovingly and patiently have open communications to reach a unified decision. Open communications means honestly sharing of thoughts and feelings. This can be achieved through research and continuous prayer for God's guidance. This should be the vast majority of decision making in a marriage; prayerfully, carefully coming to a unified agreement.


2) Consult Godly men/women for mediation
Sometimes, it's difficult to come to a unified agreement. Bring in a third party, but don't make it a family member who would side with one or another. In other words, don't bring in people who would be emotionally driven to take sides. This third party needs to remain neutral. Some examples for this third party are a ministry leader, Biblical counselor, pastor, etc. If this happens frequently, however, this is a warning sign that there is something deeper that is at conflict and would probably benefit from counseling to work it out.


3) Disagree respectfully.
Rarely, no consensus can be reached, even with outside counseling. To disagree respectfully, the husband then makes the decision as the head of the home, and the wife follows it by trusting him and God's guidance. If the husband turns out to be wrong, he repents, she forgives, and they both learn from this experience. During this process, there should be no disrespect. Each person states his/her ideas, but when the decision needs to be made, the man as the head needs to make it. The man is held responsible for his household, and so, to reach that decision, he should not make the decision in his favor just because. He should seriously consider his wife's input, pray for guidance, and ask his wife to support his decision, even if she doesn't agree with it. This sounds counter-intuitive, but it's not. We do not need to agree with each other to be supportive. For example, if the husband's choice turns out poorly, the wife shows support by learning from the mistake with her husband AS ONE. The wife shows support by not mocking him, by not laughing at his failure. The responsibility to make the final say is a heavy burden. God hold the man responsible for his household. Husbands need all the help and support he can get.




Who's the referee?
At the end of the day,  there's a wife who says, "I’m being respectful," and there’s a husband who says, "No, you’re not." Or, there's a husband who says, "I'm a loving leader," and there's a wife who says, "No, you're not."


Who is the referee that makes these calls?


Ephesians 5:21-33
The role of a man as a loving leader and the role of a woman as a respectful helper are prefaced with, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21).


With that in mind, it's is not hard to take a step back and LISTEN.


And so, when it comes to whether the wife is being a respectful helper, the husband gets to decide. Similarly, she then gets to decide whether he's being a loving leader. The conversation can then continue as the two work together to resolve the issue.