Notes from Sunday sermon by Pastor Mark Driscoll
V: Taking Out the Trash
Bottom line: Even though we strive to be more like Jesus everyday, we still slip sometimes and make mistakes that could hurt other people. Or, in Biblical language, we still sin against each other. Jesus has forgiven us of our past, present, and future sins. That means we are forgiven and declared righteous through Jesus, but that does NOT mean we are now perfect and will never sin. Pastor Mark Driscoll compares the sin that accumulates in any relationship to trash around the house. And if we don't take care of that trash--be it because we don't know how or we don't want to--it will stink up the whole relationship. Only a matter of time. If we don't deal with the sin, the relationship--be it friendship or marriage--will rot and become bitter. To maintain a healthy relationship, sin needs to be addressed and taken out.
Driscoll says, couples who say, “We never fight,” What that means is, “We don’t talk, because we live parallel lives,” or “We’re roommates, not soul mates,” or “We’re lying to each other so that we can appear to be on great terms.”
I have to agree with that. I've been married for almost three years, and though I have a great relationship with my husband, that does not mean we don't fight or have "intense discussions," as I like to call them.
I am someone who communicates about everything and is straight-forward about everything. If something is bothering me, instead of worry about what other people would think of me, I share those worries with the person/people involved. If they make fun of me, then they are not true friends who care about me, because people who care would take my concerns seriously.
And if I have such expectations from my friends, I certainly expect that from my husband. We chose to build a life together, to walk together as one. He therefore has to be closer to me than anyone else. How can we think and act as one if we hide things from each other?
I say I have a strong relationship with my husband, because there is nothing I fear sharing with him. Sometimes, if I did something I knew to be wrong, I would have this great guilt about not wanting to say anything. But, because he has never stopped supporting me, I know that even if the news would shock him, he would still remain by my side, and we can walk forward together to solve the problem.
And this is why I agree with Driscoll's statement, that couples who claim they never fight are most likely couples who never truly communicate. "Fight" perhaps is not the best word, because constructive communication can be heated but doesn't have to be a fight. Regardless, the bottom line is, we are not perfect, and we will make mistakes that hurt others. If there is no constructive communication to resolve the hurt, where would that relationship go? If I was the sinner, and I don't come clean, I know that the guilt would eat me alive. And if I was hurt, and I don't address this, I know the hurt would eat me alive. So, let's take out the trash. How?
HOW NOT TO FIGHT
Well, Driscoll first points out how NOT to do it:
According to John Gottman, a researcher who has studied marriages and can predict divorce with a 91% success rate, says there are a few variables. He says when these variables are present, the fight is going to go very bad, and usually the marriage will end in divorce.
1. Harsh start-up
Examples: Tempers are flaring; body language is hostile (hands on hips; judging looks; annoyed looks); voices are raised
2. Criticism
This is where we attack the person, instead of the problem.
It generally sounds like, "You always... You never...," instead of "We have this issue. Let's work it out."
And when we attack the person, we are pushing them away. We are not supportive, and we're not creating a welcoming environment for solution-finding as a team. Instead, we are alienating them, fighting them as a foe rather than attacking the problem together as friends.
The point of criticisms is to hurt the person, to belittle them, to shame them, to make them suffer and pay. And that is just not how friends love each other.
3. Contempt
This is where we're disgusted by them, and we show it.
It sounds like, "You make me sick. It’s amazing I even put up with you. You know, no one else would put up with you. You’re lucky to have me, but you have no idea how hard it is for me to be here with you.”
It’s condescending and contemptuous. The point is, like criticism, to shame them, to belittle them, to defeat them, to control them.
4. Defensiveness
This is where the Holy Spirit is convicting us of sin.
Our spouse/significant other/friend may be saying, "That’s not nice. You’re being mean." And rather than repenting and apologizing, we defend our behavior (which deep down inside, we know we're being mean): "Well, of course I’m angry. You made me angry. Oh, you want to talk about my problems? Well, what about you? You have more problems than me. Worse problems than me!"
Defensiveness. "I’m not the problem; you are."
5. Stonewalling
This is when things have escalated, and it’s heated. Somebody’s hurt. Tears are flowing, things are not going well.
Stonewalling happens when one person starts to ignore the other person: Turing up the TV volume; raising our voice to drown the other person out; turning our back on the other person and just walk away.
Stonewalling is refusing to engage, refusing to resolve.
The examples above are examples of how not to address problems. These factors, instead of building up the relationship, they break it down. In a marriage where two are to be one, these factors split them into two and continue to push each other as far away as possible. The two are suppose to be allies but are not fighting like enemies.
HOW TO FIGHT TO THE GLORY OF GOD AND THE GOOD OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP
The Bible teaches us how to love. It teaches us how to remain in fellowship with one and another.
And, as always, remember that everything (including relationships) starts with our individual walk with Jesus. Therefore, when we face sin, we should deal with it the way Jesus deals with it, the way Jesus deals with us.
1. Recognize Sin
Sin is a violation of the character of God. God is loving, gracious, truthful, just, merciful, and kind. Sin is what’s contrary to the character of God. Sin is what’s contrary to the Word of God.
1 John 1:8-10
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.
Sin is the transgression of the Word, the Law of God.
Bottom line, anything that’s not like Jesus, that’s sin.
In any relationship, including marriage, it’s a relationship between two sinners. Not one!
Two sinners coming together are going to have to continually deal with sin. In order to take out that "trash," we therefore have to learn how to take it out so that we can take it out.
If we find ourselves thinking/saying, "I’m not the sinner; you are," we are saying God is a liar, because we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). We all need to be humble. We all have stuff to work on, and none of us are perfect like Jesus.
Sure, we have to put up with "ugh, those other people." But hey, "those other people" have to put up with us, too.
So, be compassionate. Be patient. Be considerate. Be affectionate and tender with one another, even when we’re frustrated, because Jesus is all those things to us when we sin against Him.
It's important to recognize our mistakes and failures are not just morally awful. These mistakes and failures are sins because we don't hurt just those around us. We break God's heart when we sin against each other.
Matthew 25:34-45
Jesus said:
The King will say to those on his right, "Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."
Then the righteous will answer him, "Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go visit you?"
The King will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."
Then he will say to those on his left, "Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me."
They also will answer, "Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?"
He will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me."
There are a lot of gems tucked away in this passage, but for this sermon, we focus on the point that whatever we do or don't do to other people, we do or don't do to Jesus.
Hence, the psalmist in Psalm 51:4 said, "Against you, you only, have I sinned."
Because ultimately, everything we do, it comes back to God. And so, when we sin against our brothers/sisters, we sin also against God.
People twinge at the word "Sin," because they think it's bad. Well, IT IS.
Sin is SOOOOOO BAD, JESUS HAD TO DIE FOR IT.
There is no sugar-coating sin. To sugar-coat it is like what John said in 1 John 1:8-10 -- We would be calling God a liar. We would not have the truth in us. As disciples of Jesus, we know that Jesus is the Truth, and Jesus lives in us. So, sin IS bad. Sin is not trivial. Sin breaks God's heart, and Jesus had to be sacrificed so that we can be sanctified.
If we’ve done bad, WE SHOULD FEEL BAD. That is the heart of God illustrated in Matthew 25:34-45!
When we feel bad, that is the Holy Spirit showing us our sin, not to destroy us, but to motivate us to destroy the sin before it destroys our relationship with each other. More importantly, we can destroy the sin before it destroys our relationship with God.
2. Repent of Sin
Once we have recognized our sin, REPENT.
James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
Confession is talking about the sin, talking about our sin with God, talking about our sin with the person whom you’ve sinned against, and praying for one another.
The problem is sin; the answer is Jesus. And confessing it means talking about it with Jesus and the person we’re having the strife with—we confessing our sin, them confessing their sin, praying for one another, and Jesus will show up and heal our relationship. He will not only restore us with each other but also restore us in Him.
How do we repent?
Repentance is three things: Confession, contrition, and change.
Confession
Confession includes our mind and our mouth. When we become a Christian, and we are renewed by the Holy Spirit. When we study the Word of God, the way we think about ourselves and sin starts to change.
Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Repentance therefore begins with confession. "I see where I’ve sinned."
And when we confess because we feel bad, that is confession coming out of conviction. The Holy Spirit convicts us of sin so that we might confess it.
Contrition
Repentance proceeds from confession to contrition.
Confession is our mind and mouth. Contrition is ultimately inclusive of our emotions and expressions.
Confession is knowing that we have sinned. Contrition is feeling that we have sinned.
Driscoll: “Sin is not just breaking God’s Law, it’s also breaking God’s heart, and it’s breaking the heart of others.”
Change
Change is our will and works.
When we realize we have sinned, and the Holy Spirit convicts us of our sin, we ought to stop making the same mistake.
Maybe it’s all at once, and it’s radical. Maybe we have some failures along the way, but we don't give up. We repent again, we seek wise counsel, we pray, and by the grace of God, we change. Change is a process. It may be hard. But, don't give up.
Gary Thomas, a Christian writer, say, “Couples don’t fall out of love so much as they fall out of repentance.”
Repent, repent, repent, so that sin is no longer between you. Only Jesus.
It is difficult to remain loving, trusting, and intimate when we are unrepentant. When two people in a relationship are both
repentant, the love flows freely, and the trust grows daily.
Driscoll stresses, "Repentance is not about getting caught but coming clean."
As I've mentioned above, when I do something wrong, sometimes I get the urge to hide it. The problem is, even if no one ever finds out, God knows. God always knows. And if our sin against each other is ultimately against God, we should come clean and not wait to get caught. Since I'm a horrible liar, I don't hide things well, and I hate being eaten alive by guilt, it's become easier for me to swipe away the thought to hid my sin and just go and confess and repent.
Matthew 5:23-24
Jesus said, "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altra. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift."
The idea is that before we can be reconciled with God, we need to be reconciled with each other. If God knows all our sins, and we can only be reconciled with God after we have reconciled with each other, then it is clear that hiding our sins is futile. It's not about other people knowing. It's about us coming clean, being honest with God.
Driscoll also stresses, "Repentance is not worldly sorrow."
2 Corinthians 7:10
Paul tells the Corinthians not to practice worldly sorrow: "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."
Worldly sorrow is feeling bad but have no true repentance. We can cry and say we’re sorry and say we’ll never do it again, but the truth is without repentance, we will not change.
MARRIAGE GETS BITTER OR IT GETS BETTER
Marriage gets bitter, or it gets better. This is true for friendships and other relationships.
Ephesians 4:25-32
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you."
This is the heart of God’s intent for our relationships.
You must put off falsehood and speak truthfully.
We need to be honest about our sin; if others have sinned against us, we need to honest about that to them as well. Don't blame shift. Don’t lie. Don’t diminish. Don’t excuse. Don’t ignore. Don’t make it a bigger deal than it is. Don’t make it a lesser deal than it is. Tell the truth. Be honest.
In your anger do not sin.
This does NOT mean never get angry.
All the emotions we have, God gave them to us. God expresses these emotions in holy ways. All emotions are potentially good, though they could lead us to sin, if we don’t control them but allow them to control us.
Anger can be really good: It can be used to defend, to protect, to pronounce justice.
Yet, if it gets out of control, it can be bullying, abusing, degrading.
We may be angry, but don't let the anger lead us into sin.
Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
Deal with the sin quickly. Do not let days go by. Because if we don't deal with the sin, we are leaving an opportunity for Satan. Satan will use uncontrolled emotions to his advantage. He will ruin relationships, but we know that's not what he's ultimately after. He wants to ruin our relationship with God. And if we allow a foothold for Satan, we open the door to him to break us away from God.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
When we speak the truth, we need to do it EFFECTIVELY.
What does that mean? We want to use words that build each other up, not break us down; words that invite people in, not push them away; words that give us hope, not tear them apart.
When tempers are flaring and anger is flashing, we need to be even more careful of what we say. This is the critical period of time when we lose control of our emotions and allow the emotions to control us, allow Satan to grab a hold of us.
If we cannot say anything supportive, then it's best we take a deep breath and pray for the Holy Spirit to guide us in our words. Throughout the whole conversation, we may need to pray for the Holy Spirit to guide us.
If we want to remain in fellowship with our spouse/significant other/friends, we need to create an environment of love and support.
And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
God the Holy Spirit inspired and empowered the ministry of Jesus. He indwells and empowers the believer. The Holy Spirit will help us speak truthful words, not lying words; words that are gracious, words that are life-giving, not death causing.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
The sinner is supposed to repent of sin; the victim of sin is supposed to forgive. If the sinner does not repent, the victim becomes bitter. If the victim of sin does not forgive, the sinner becomes bitter.
With bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice are produced.
Relationships, marriages, they get better, or they get bitter.
Driscoll then shared his experience when he wasn't able to forgive: I would say this is the one issue that affected our marriage most negatively for the longest period of time, that I felt sinned against by Grace. And rather than forgiving her, I was bitter. I was bitter. This was the one thing that hurt our marriage the most for the longest period of time. As I’ve said before, and I’ll say it again, it affected my tone. The bitterness would come out even in preaching and teaching, on how sometimes I would speak about women. I’ll always regret that. I deeply grieve that. I ask your forgiveness for that. And it was bitterness. At the time, what I would’ve said is, “Well, something bad was done, and, yeah, I’m bitter, but, you know, something bad was done.” And I didn’t realize that my not forgiving was also a sin and that I wasn’t just one who had been sinned against, but I was one who was sinning, and that it wasn’t just a problem I had with Grace, it was a problem I had with Jesus."
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.
Driscoll: "The reason we put this in our book, the reason I’m telling you this today is I’m not bitter. Okay? And it is better. Grace has repented of her sin, and I’ve repented of my sin of bitterness. Jesus died for it, so we don’t need to kill one another. Jesus scorned the shame for it, so we don’t need to shame one another. Jesus rose from death, and so there’s new life for us."
If we have been sinned against, we may have a great reason to be angry, to be hurt. If we have been sinned against by someone who we love and tust and have given access to our heart, we hurt more deeply because we love them so much and cannot believe why they would do the things they did.
We therefore become bitter most often with people that we love the most, and this can include God.
Bitterness against God is a sin, because if we’re bitter against God, what we’re saying is, “God, you’re evil. You’ve sinned against me, and I don’t forgive you.”
God is not a sinner. God is good, not evil; light, not darkness. Emotionally, we can feel betrayed by God because we are hurt, and this is when Satan comes in and manipulate these emotions to break us away from God.
But, God is love. He has nothing but love for us. He loved us enough to die on the cross for us (John 3:16).
So, don't hold on to grudges that lead us only to bitterness. Repent of bitterness as a sin, particularly repent of bitterness against God.
Jesus was the perfect man who knew no sin. And yet, He was falsely accused and persecuted on the cross. However, instead of condemning His enemies, He went to the cross and said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34).
Preach about repentance and the forgiveness of sin. This was the mission Jesus gave to His disciples before He was taken up into Heaven (Luke 24:47). We repent and forgive because that is how we can be reconciled with each other, this is how we can be reconciled with God.
Driscoll: And as a Christian, it is hypocrisy to say, “Jesus, forgive me of my sin; but, Jesus, I won’t forgive them of their sin." Because what we're really saying is, "Jesus, my sin against you is not nearly as bad as their sin against me.” To receive forgiveness and not give forgiveness is the essence of hypocrisy, and it’s putting ourselves in the seat of God. “Forgiven. Not forgiven.” That’s God’s job, not ours. Our job is to forgive and leave them to the judgment of God, not to judge them as God.
The only way our relationships with others are going to be enduring and endearing is if repentance and forgiveness of sin and forgiveness are practiced. Take out the trash. Don't stink up the house.
FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness is not waiting for someone to acknowledge
their sin, apologize, and repent. And the reason is simple: Because that someone may die and never apologize.
Remember, forgiveness of sin is leaving the sinner in to God’s judgment. We forgive because we are sinners who have been forgiven by the grace of God. We forgive because we do not judge. We forgive so that we can guard our heart against bitterness.
Forgiveness may not be a one-time event.
Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?"
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
The sinner may make the same mistake again, and we need to forgive them again.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Reconciliation is the result of the sinner repenting and the victim forgiving.
If we have been sinned against, and we have forgiven the sinner, but the sinner has not repented, there is no reconciliation. We should pray for them, pray for God to work their heart.
And even if the sinner has repented, that doesn't mean the trust and love are immediately restored. The two people in the relationship now have a long road back to true reconciliation where they need to work together to rebuild the trust that has been breached and the love that has been broken.
Marriage is the walk of two people becoming one. We all need to repent and forgive at some point, because we are not perfect, and we will continue to sin. Taking out the trash means addressing whatever sin has accumulated in the relationship. If the marriage doesn't get better, it gets bitter. And in order for the marriage to get better, we need to walk together as one. So, it's not about who is the sinner and who is the victim. It's about dealing with our sin together and lovingly support each other regardless who is falling.
Further Reading
How to Fight Right in Marriage
http://pastormark.tv/2012/02/15/how-to-fight-right-in-marriage
9 Things Forgiveness Is Not
http://marshill.com/2012/02/15/9-things-forgiveness-is-not
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